Sunday, August 15, 2010

God Was There...

I was walking through something.

Not really understanding what was going on in the inner most part of my being. 

It WAS quiet.  I was still.

I was trying to find my hope and strength in the God that had spoken to me in times past. 

But this time....this time was different.  

Why?  Why was it so different?  

I would ask: Lord are you out there?  Do you even know what I am going through?  

I feel like I need an arm around me? 

Could you just deliver me from the midst of despair?  Or is this even despair?  

Then I would think of those all over the world going through far, far worse than what I was feeling. 

I came to a place in my own life where I was questioning even my own understanding and faith.

Questioning the one who had saved me from hell all those years ago.  

I would ask: Who are you?  

But even in my time of confusion and solitude....I knew He was there.  

Sitting right next to me.  Speaking things that I yet couldn't understand.   

The only picture that I could see was of me outside of a small church on top of a high mountain.

This mountain and this little church is the place I enter (in my thoughts) to speak to the Lord. 

But this time I was not allowed to come in 

Or maybe I was??  ...but the confusion was great. I then find that it was "me" who didn't want to hear. 

But as I sat outside this small church my spirit was still communing with the Father. 

My soul was sitting outside on the small stoop.  

Waiting....waiting....and waiting some more.  

I knew deep, deep inside that there was something the Father was speaking to my spirit.

Something that was not ready to be revealed at that moment.

Yes my soul was hurting from being separated.  

It wasn't that God didn't want me to hear the whispers in my spirit....

It was that He was wanting to do a work in my soul. 

To make me see, feel, understand what it feels to be someone who is suffering. 

What it feels to be a person who is not pursuing God at the moment.  

I saw myself at a waiting place.  Waiting to be picked up and be taught once again.  

The only words I could hear was "trust me"and know that it will be revealed soon enough.  

And soon enough it was.  

God in His marvelous, glorious, amazing way revealed Himself in my life in little ways.  

Daily something or someone would come to give me a treasure from Him. 

They were little gestures of Love in tangible ways. 

I knew it was from Him. 

The callousness I felt in my heart was taken off.  I could see clearly.  I could hear Him....

but now it was very, very different from what I used to know. 

It was now something more fresh, new, and lovely.  

The time that was bitter.....became sweet once again.  It was at this time I knew, He never left me. 

He was allowing this to take place in my heart.  

It wasn't Him who caused this pain.   But He used it to help teach me about His amazing Love and Grace. 
It wasn't anything I did.  

It was all about His timing and my readiness.  

He was there.

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